Episode 24: Call the Shots

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Okay, so you think you know my story, right? You think you know, but you have no idea. You see the stuff I post on social media that makes it look like I run this town. Couldn’t be further from the truth. Having my 4,345,187 followers on Twitter looks really good on paper. Like really.

I’ve got 5,697,518 likes on Facebook, my 3,645,132 followers on Instagram sell my pics of jewelry, me modeling a gown fresh off its debut at Fashion Week in Paris. Ew. Plus, tips to any corporate entity who wants me to sneak their brand into a photo. My god.

I promote perfume, leggings, and yogurt. I wish I could be as natural in real life as I make it look, but frankly, I’m doing what you people do, faking it till I make it.

The thing is, I don’t think I’ve ever truly made it. I’m stumbling through life breathless at every turn, wondering how I ever got so lucky.

I used to try and deny the truth to myself that I didn’t belong to this world. Every move on this chessboard of life has been one better than the last.

And for that, I am eternally grateful. Like those tiny green aliens in the animated film I’m not legally allowed to talk about.

But how stupid can you all be? How can you think this is all normal? How have we normalized this behavior to make money? It’s ridiculous.

I’m reminded that I’m the one who’s standing here, pouring my heart out like I’m confessing my sins to God. And I guess in this light, in front of your beautiful faces, I am. If you’re not buying me, who is?

I mean, I’m pretty goddamn fabulous, let’s be real. Did you see me in that one thing the year before last? I mean, I know, right? In closing, I would like to thank the Lake Forest Committee for giving me the Rise of Star award this evening. You’ve all been duped. Good night.

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